Lizzie and Lucy are 6 year old fraternal twins. Both have thick auburn curls and chocolate brown eyes but that’s where the similarity ends. They are fraternal twins and are like all other siblings in that they have different personalities, talents and temperaments. They are especially close, as most twins are, since they were born together, and together they learned that a cry leads to mommy’s attention, smiling begets another smile and anger both engages and pushes people away. They are each other’s almost constant companion. Lizzie and Lucy know each other better than even their parents know them. They are exquisitely sensitive to each other’s feelings, wants and desires. They are deeply empathic towards one another and they can also push each other’s buttons like no one else can.
When Lizzie and Lucy’s mom, Jessica, supervises them on a playdate with their friend, Emily, she’s amazed by how differently the girls approach a social situation. Lizzie Immediately greets Emily’s mom with a resounding “hi!”, runs up to Emily and dives into plans for the playdate. “Lucy and I brought our new poly-pockets and we want to play pet store!” Lucy, on the other hand, hangs back with mom, holding her hand and staying quiet. Jessica, a relaxed and confident parent, allows Lucy to take her time to warm up to the situation, and respects Lucy’s own pace. When Emily’s mom comments, within Lucy’s earshot, “Wow she is so shy!” Jessica casually responds, “ Lucy has her own style — as we all do”. Jessica then offers to walk Lucy upstairs to Emily’s room where the other two girls are already playing. Lucy says ok and then happily joins her sister and friend, quiet at first then with joyful abandon.
Lizzie and Lucy were born with very different temperaments and risk-taking styles. This gets played out in the girls’ choice of activities and approach to situations. Lizzie gets energized by stimulation while Lucy withdraws from loud, fast-paced situations. Lucy thoughtfully thinks through a situation before acting while Lizzie can be impulsive, sometimes acting out in ways that get her in trouble. Lizzzie is fearless in her gymnastics classes, ready to fly through the air at a moment’s notice, while Lucy loves her ballet classes in which she works hard to perfect her plie and relevee.
Lizzie is a natural risk-taker, but can be prone to sometimes taking a bad risk. Jessica went on more than a few visits to the pediatrician due to Lizzie’s falls in the playground when she, for example, insisted on hanging head-first from monkey bars before she was able to hold on with her bent knees. However as time goes on and Jessica uses each situation as a teaching opportunity, Lizzie learns to first think through her actions before doing them. Lucy needs to be encouraged to take good risks. Each semester, before the new dance class, Lucy worries that it might be too hard for her and that she may not know any of the kids in the class. With encouragement and each successful adjustment to the new class, Jessica uses the opportunity to help Lucy incorporate the information that tolerating some anxiety in order to take on new and rewarding learning pays off and she feels more empowered. Different children, different parenting strategies.
Jessica is one parent with two daughters, twins, that although she diapered, bathed and sung lullabyes to them at the same time, require different parenting.
By the time Lizzie and Lucy are 16, instead of 6, there’s a good possibility that Lucy will be the one to walk first into a social activity or speak up in class; and Lizzie may be the one to caution Lucy about taking it slow with a cute boy that asks her on a date. That’s one of the great parts about parenting: what we do and how we teach our children matters so much in the people they will eventually become.
Dr.Nancy Eppler Wolff and Dr. Susan Davis, authors of Raising Children Who Soar
